I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
