The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
