How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Randomize
