so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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