Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I checked into jail on foursquare
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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