It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
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