Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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