just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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