my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
