I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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