but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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