drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
