She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
This baby is an asshole
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
