hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Pants are for mortals
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
