How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
