This dress was meant to end up on your floor
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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