I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
