I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize