it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
