Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I'm getting married
To pizza
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
