porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
