she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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