Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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