Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
