dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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