WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
