I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
