So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
