I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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