we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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