someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
