Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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