WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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