just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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