took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
