Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
