I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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