So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
