I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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