Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
