I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
