Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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