I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Blood and glitter go together right?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
