6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
