I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize