today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
