She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I think I won the penis lottery.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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