Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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