just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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