I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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