My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
