he puts the penis in happiness.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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