Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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