so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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