You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
