I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
