woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Randomize
