I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Randomize
