My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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