words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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